Words can't express how much I hated Spiderman 3... well, a string of profanities could perhaps sum up my thoughts on the matter. This film was capital-T terrible. More than once during the course of the movie I turned to my wife and asked, "What the hell is this?" In fact, I spent most of the time asking questions as a way of keeping my brain active lest it explode. I thought I'd share of these questions with you:
Why does the Venom symbiote turns Peter Parker emo?
Where did Peter learn to dance and play the piano?
Doesn't the Sandman look an awful lot like Ernest? ("Know whadda mean, Vern?")
Why was Peter allowed back in the Jazz Room (my experience is that you tend to be banned from an establishment after beating up the bouncers)?
Isn't Stan Lee dead yet?
When Uncle Ben and Aunt May "swam out to the island" so that he could propose, where did he conceal the ring while he was in the water? It's got to have been on something or up somewhere. Why were Gwen and Capt Stacy at Harry's funeral when THEY DIDN'T KNOW EVEN HIM?
People can't figure out how to beat a guy made out of sand? Seriously?
Why did this film have 76 endings?
I'm so glad we used our free cereal box passes to see this. If I had paid money to see this festering turd of a moive, I might have been tempted to burn down the theatre. Now I just have to eat the cereal, which could never, thankfully, leave such a bad taste in my mouth as this film.
32 comments:
which cereal?
Um, I wanna say Oatmeal Crisp. I think that's right. I hate breakfast and will be thinking how much I hated Spiderman each morning I'm choking down spoonful after spoonful.
So when people ask why I'm boycotting Spiderman 3 is it ok if I just send them a link to this blog? Yea? Yea.
you seem to be rather bitter at the moment, mike.
Ha! I still haven't seen the second one. Because, as much as I enjoyed most of Spiderman I the first time around, I made the mistake of watching it another time, and realizing that it actually sucked. I realized things could only go downhill from there. I like that one of your tags is poop.
I thought poop was fitting, Kiki.
Dave, if people have to ask why you're boycotting Spiderman 3, they're not really your friends.
Abby, yes, I am bitter.
my (very calm, non violent) 11 year old said that you don't go to spiderman because you are hoping it will be plausible. you go for the awesome fighting scenes and special effects. (his words, all)
if you don't ask questions or wonder about required leaps of faith within the plot, apparently you will enjoy it more.
i haven't tested this yet because i haven't watched it, but he's been right about other things. keep eating that cereal and maybe you can test his theory on some other superhero movie.
Michele, your 11-year-old has an astounding vocab. My compliments.
I understand that comicbook films don't have to be "believable," but there's a 10 minute dance sequence in Spiderman 3. What's that about? I think solid storylines are possible. I loved X-men 1 and 2, which had both good action and good stories.
I think I've given up on superhero movies. The next crop - FF 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Iron Man - don't appeal to me AT ALL.
FESTERING TURD!!!!
gold, Mike, pure gold
Tell us what you really think Mike.
I didn't like the movie either. My thoughts against it were a little less violent, but you do make some good points. However I think to avoid getting an ulcer - you should really just let it go.
Mike is crazy, Spiderman 3 is the best movie I've seen in a long time. I'm aghast that you're angry about this film. Honestly, you lost all right to dislike ANY film on first impression after LIKING X-Men 3. Doctorate, schmoctorate!! ;)
- Looking 'emo' and looking 'evil' are practically the same. You tell me how they should have given Peter a visual edge without making you think 'emo'...
- Mary Jane is an aspiring Broadway performer! In what parallel universe would Peter not get sucked into dance lessons. Anyway he's Spider-Man, remember? He has ridiculous superhuman agility and speed, more than enough to make all those moves a breeze. Anything Tobey Maguire can do with intensive training, Spiderman can obviously do impromptu.
- Never saw the Ernest films. Even as a young child I was wise enough to see this was a beneficial policy.
- They probably didn't recognize him, not being 'emo' and all. Maybe the bouncers were scared to stop him. Maybe he apologized, or Mary Jane explained, or he paid them off! There are a million ways he could get in and I'm sure he'd be trying any and all of them given the circumstances.
- I certainly hope not! Purest malice. I doubt he's got any creative control left over his many creations, don't grudge the poor man his five-second cameo.
- Um, most swim trunks have pockets or strings which could easily be used to carry such as rings. Also the man has his very own fingers, I hear rings fit on those. Maybe they even brought a picnic basket or some other beach-type supplies. Bracelet, string tied to his ankle... Maybe Aunt Mae made the whole thing up to make a point!! It's just a story, man!
- Harry's family was big money, obviously they would have had all sorts of ties to such as the police chief. These people are public figures! Don't forget that Oscorp was in military technology, more than likely they had business with the police also. Besides, Gwen may even have known Harry through Peter, since they were friends.
- I think you're oversimplifying the relationship of the Sandman to his sand. Certainly the characters within the film would have no idea how he works; much less than us. Besides, what easy way is there to superheat five or ten large houses' worth of sand? Personally I find it hard to think through tough science questions when I'm being pummelled by tonnes of stone anyway.
- Time flies when you're having fun, my friend. Possibly the fact I felt the ended it at the right time does suggest that a person NOT enjoying the film would feel it vastly overlong.
The first Spiderman was a poor film in general, but it mostly had good ideas behind it, so I found it easy to forgive the mistakes. That was the early age of modern comics-turned-movies, and like everyone else I was just pumped to see Spider-Man swing across the big screen. It's not as easy to watch over and over again, but it still has some good points. I still like it.
The second one was a severe disappointment to me personally, because it made all the same mistakes and all the new ideas were bad. It also kept the all-important aspect of highly enjoyable action sequences, so I did find it watchable, but on the whole I was not pleased. I haven't tried watching it more recently.
Anyway Mike, if these are the big logic holes that left you not enjoying Spidey 3, I gotta say it doesn't sound like you gave it a fair shot.
Seriously? You're questioning the piano?? All government-certified 'smart' kids are forced by law to take piano lessons for at least a few years, and many end up disgustingly good at it. I know I had to take them until I rebelled too much (read: I complained so much the teacher actually felt bad for me, hahaha).
For all it's flaws, which we documented pretty well, I must say, X-men 3 is better than Spiderman 3 because there was NO DANCING.
Evil and Emo are almost the same thing. Though a badass PP would have been better than the John Travolta, Saturday Night Fever thing they had going on. Seriously, we're to discern that he's becoming evil because he struts?
Swimming suits in the 1950s did not have pockets that could hold a ring. I doubt he'd wear as men's hands are generally larger than women's (I say "generally" with the understanding that I am the exception, with my tiny elf hands); plus it would ruin the surprise. Swimming with a picnic basket sounds even less plausible. I think May is a filthy, filthy liar.
Ture, characters in the film don't necessarily know how Sandman works, but Spidey should; he fought him once before. PP is also a chemistry whiz... this seems pretty fifth grade.
I grudge Stan his five second cameo (not his life, that was malice)because he's made that cameo in EVERY MARVEL FILM I'VE SEEN! It's a lame, wink-wink joke that's played out.
Gwen couldn't have known Harry through Peter because Harry was trying to kill Peter when Gwen and Peter met. Maybe a passing meeting, but not enough to warrant a front row seat at the interment. Public figures might have attended the funeral, but not the burial. That's typically close friends and family.
Besides: "How's the pie?"
"oh. soooooooo good."
VOMIT.
WHAT!?! HARRY DIES?!! Thanks so much for ruining the movie. You could have at least put *spoiler* at the top of your post... yeesh.
I mean, I'd be really upset if I had intended EVER to see the movie. REALLY upset.
As the film made, like, a kajillion dollars opening weekend, I assumed everyone who wanted to see this film has seen it.
Hehehe. Yes, as I reread that blog I was impressed at our expert skill in the art of criticism.
We're to discern he's evil because PETER PARKER is strutting. Peter Parker does not strut - unless of course he is under the sway of an evil alien symbiote. It's SUPPOSED to be terrible, this makes it more obvious that it's false. In the same way Spiderman is not a killer, PP is not an arrogant moron. So you thought the montage was too long! That's not a movie-killing flaw!
I still think the suit's drawstring would be an effective solution to the ring-carrying issue, even assuming he couldn't get it around his pinky finger, or hold it, or attach it to a necklace or something. Who cares if she was lying?
Dude, I can tell you that *I* certainly don't know how Sandman works, and I was watching the whole time. He seems able to indwell any particle of sand within a pretty wide area. The actual amount of sand left to him appears irrelevant. As far as the film established him he could be literally unkillable. I still can't imagine how Spiderman alone could have superheated all that sand.
Oh, they'd make him do that cameo at knifepoint if they had to. Anyway it's not as much a 'joke' as it is now tradition and fanservice. It's a hallmark of the modern Marvel films. It's five seconds!!
My memory's a little foggy about when Peter started university, but he and Gwen were in the same class, I think it's plausible Gwen and Peter knew one another well before Harry's vendetta aspect kicked in. Even apart from that, PP (being the nice guy he is) would more than likely have tried to make up with Gwen. They could even have been there just to support him. Events like death do a lot to ease the mending of fences. Just like how MJ came over earlier in the film to comfort Peter, even though she was still mad at him.
Hey, that was an emotional conflict! Three points to Spiderman 3!
I don't remember the pie line, I'll get back to you after I see it again, which I will probably try to do soon.
BECAUSE IT WAS AWESOME!!!
I'll bet Aunt May and Uncle Whatshisname (Ben or something?) weren't even married! Just shacked up all those years. That would be so awesome if sweet aunt May was a big fat liar.
And I'm starting to want to see this controversial dance sequence . . . it sounds hilarious.
ok i am compelled to comment...i dont know you mike, but i know many of of your other bloggers...
spidey 3: it's a comic book movie, so you cant expect that much from it. yes, it was incredibly cheesy, and i agree with you on almost all of your points that are wrong with the movie-i was thinking the same thing, about how did peter's uncle hide a ring if they swam out really far to an island? also, spiderman seemed to KNOW how to deal with the sandman in the sewer--just get him wet, so why wouldnt he have hooked the police up with that big peice of info? i'm suprised also that you didnt mention that venom was played by the guy from that 70s show--didnt really make a convincing character to turn to evil. oh right yes, i rather liked the stupid pie comment--but only because it was so ridiculous.
oh and with the sandman, i never referenced him to ernest, but the ENTIRE time i just kept thinking "that's the guy from wings" --you know lyle? and it seemed so weird that he was cast as this evil strong man, when for me he has been type cast as a somewhat slow-witted mechanic(or was he a janitor...?)
But all in all, i dont hate the movie, long as it was becuase it's spiderman, based on a comic book, it's the third one and everyone knows that sequels arent' always what they're cracked up to be.
-Julia
Hey Jules, welcome aboard.
I don't buy the "because it's a comic book movie we can excuse its stupidity" argument. There have been smart comic films (the first two Superman films, Batman Begins, the first 2 X-Men films, Sin city to name a few). If you bring in graphic novels, you have even more (Ghost World, History of violence). I was angry at Spiderman 3 because I know how good it COULD/SHOULD have been. I was a huge Spiderfan, read all the comics and the comics aren't stupid. And they could tell compelling stories (check out the Venom saga for the 90s Spiderman cartoon - it's INFINITELY better than the film).
VENOM: The casting of Eric Forman as the un-named Venom didn't bother me too much. It did at first, but I bought it in the context of the movie. He played creepy-intense well, but I thought they could have done a little more with his story. The whole "I'm dating Gwen Stacy"/"We only had coffee" was pretty important in terms of character development (a guy who's constructed a false reality), but it was given less screentime than the "adorable kid" (the director's daughter) arguing about the camera with JJJ or the French maitre d' bit in the restaurant.
Sandman: I did think guy from Wings, but after the first shot of him where I thought he looked like Ernest. I also started thinking "guy from Sideways" and wondered if he didn't really want a good glass of wine.
Back to Tom: If MJ didn't know who Gwen was, I don't think Harry would have. She was there to support Peter, but then why was her dad there? Because Harry's father had been important? I'm not convinced.
And finally: strutting isn't evil. Peter Parker's version of evil was, for the most, part lame. His truly "evil" moments - like "killing" Sandman - were undermined by the WestSide Story bits.
Whoa.
After all that, I don't know whether to see it to critique it or to save my money. All I DO know is that I am happy I used *my* free movie cereal passes on "The Ex" instead.
And how does one get strangers to reply to a post? Complain about movies!
I love it. Welcome, pamero. Glad to have you here.
For the sake of all these spectators, I should really point out that by quantity, we're mostly talking about minor continuity or logic errors that don't affect the story or movie-quality overall. The Stacys (Stacies? ha) appear at the funeral. Big deal. Even if you don't buy the explanations, they're only in the frame for like a second. The ring story is a thirty-second tale told to make a point, and even if it were absolutely false (DRAWSTRINGS MAKE IT EASY), it would just be a cute grandma lie.
Spiderman is two people. When the superhero is evil, he becomes what he fights, his own enemy - he becomes a killer. When Peter Parker is evil, he becomes what he despises most within that sphere - an arrogant jerk, full of himself, spiteful, abusive and foolish. You can't just have the vengeance part and call it a day; to make it Spiderman there needs to be two stories. They couldn't have him ACTUALLY be cool, or some of the audience would sympathize with Evil Peter. So, he needed to FAIL at being a jerk. Hence a terrible and therefore highly comical montage. I liked it a lot.
When all is said and done that's the only relevant point of dissention. I think if anyone thinks they can stomach a montage they might not like, they should try seeing the rest of the movie! It's not perfect or perfectly done, but it's worth seeing.
Lies aren't cute, Tom!
And, he was dancing while he was evil? This just gets more and more awesome.
Oh, these are just the questions I asked myself during the film to keep myself from exploding. There are more plot-specific problems, as well as problems with the overall production.
Well, I'm not going to call your bluff and try to make you name them.
I'm merely pointing out for our audience that they don't KNOW what those problems might be and that there are people who obviously didn't take issue with them.
Just a correction, for all you bloggers and bleaders (is that how we say "blog readers"? I hope so): bathing suits in the fifties did indeed have wee pockets. At least some of them did. Unlike most of the people apparently involved in this discussion, I was actually alive in the fifties, though I was still a wee lad at the end of them. Because people had to carry things like locker keys and other tiny stuff, men's bathing suits developed the little pocket some of them still have today, and I remember it being there when I was just learning to wade. And since Stan Lee is considerably older than I am, he probably remembers that, too. But now you can't ask him, since you've insulted him and he's not talking to you any more. For the record, the one cameo he's made lately that was any good was as a bus driver on "Heroes."
I also stopped after Spidey 1, because I thought it stunk, but I always hope that the next thing will be good, even if nothing has been. Yes, the X-Men 1 and 2 (I didn't see 3) were okay, but not good. Other than that, Michael Keaton as Batman was excellent, but even the Adam West series didn't make the villains so cartoony. And that about does it. Pretty much everything else makes me think fondly of Buster Crabbe as Flash Gordon.
Pockets? Yes. Pockets with zippers or velcro to keep an engagement ring secure while swimming? I don't know.
I have to see Heroes.
Come on, Tom, call my bluff. Call it!
Well, I was trying to be polite. Note that I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, as opposed to assuming you're crazy. I figured you would have brought those up already if you wanted to talk about them, though. The scars are all still fresh in your memory, huh? So what was so bad?
I should really stress that if people haven't seen the film but think they might, they should probably do that before spoiling the whole thing with the coming tirade...
I also have to see Heroes. I hear the first DVDs are coming out in August?
Amphimancer, what did you think of X-Men 3?
Didn't see X-Men 3. There are some things you don't have to check out right away, and this was one of them. I went with the family to see the first one (my daughter, being a recent university grad, is big on X-Men from watching the cartoon through her childhood), and liked it enough to go to the second one. But Bryan Singer was clearly running out of steam as the second one closed, and the fact that another director took over made my decision for me. In the case of Spidey 3, Sam Raimi has stuck with it, but I'm not such a big Sam Raimi fan. (Now Ted Raimi I like.) When X-Men 3 hits regular non-pay TV I'll probably tape it and watch it in pieces when I have five or ten minutes free at a time. I just got back from a weekend at the Stratford Festival -- where we saw "A Comedy of Errors" and "King Lear" -- so I'm not so excited about comic book movie adaptations right now.
Gee Mike, tell us how you really feel!
Actually, I found the movie very disappointing and pretty crappy too.
Just as an aside, have you never read "Robinson Crusoe" where our hero dives into the water to retrieve treasure with no clothes on and proceeds to stuff his pockets. Blooper!
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