An open letter to the loud, loud man who rides the 36.
Dear Fathead,
Many years ago the good people at Winnipeg Transit did a great service for the people of Winnipeg: they created a useful bus route. The 36.
The 36 is magical. In twenty to twenty-five minutes, you can get from Maryland and Westminster to the University of Manitoba. Quite simply, and at the risk of sounding hyperbolic, it this best thing ever created. Ever.
But with all good things, there must be the bad. And you, sir, are the bad. You have turned the most enjoyable of bus rides into twenty minutes of knuckle chewing, headache inducing tedium. You see, you start talking as you get on bus and you don't stop, ever, until you reach your stop. You never seem to be talking anyone in particular, but you use a voice loud enough that all can hear. I know you have children - I've heard all about their first steps, current friends and that ever-so-interesting fascination with dinosaurs; have you lectured them about using "indoor voices"? I suggest you look over your notes for that speech.
Maybe you think that people enjoy your loud pontificating about every subject under the sun. Maybe you think we want to know about your theories of municipal infrastructure or the need for a drastic restructuring of the University Senate. You would be wrong. Very, very wrong.
As much as I want to be, I can't be too angry with you. Part of me believes you are married to a shrewish wife who shushes you as soon as you walk in the door after your long day at the University. Maybe you're made to be quiet all evening, and the bus is your last chance to say something, anything for the rest of the day. That's my theory. But it doesn't make me anymore interested in listening to you detail the in-workings of a medieval Norwegian fish village.
I want help you. I see people snicker and roll their eyes at you while you're going on about how you'd reorganize the Canada Council for Research Grants. I see people make that "Oh, God, please kill me" face when you're detailing your son's most recent swimming lesson and how he must obviously be gifted because he didn't drown. And I feel bad for you. So here are a few tips to help you out.
1) Indoor voice. I know the bus isn't technically "indoors," but it is an enclosed space.
2) Avoid words like "dichotomy" or "infused". People will want to punch you if you use them. And you want to avoid being punched. Frankly, looking you, I don't think you'd be any good in a fight.
3) Conversations tend to involve more than one person. Try to find a partner.
4) Bring a book on the bus. It'll give you something to do instead of talk. Resist the temptation to read passages aloud.
Sincerely,
On behalf of a number of people on the bus
Mike
5 comments:
sarcasm, anyone?
Will you actually give it to him? Come on, show us some chutzpah. Do something for the world that says 'I've been here', or at least for the good people of the 36. It would make a good story anyway.
Hey, can you send this along with your letter to Fathead?
Dear Mr. Fathead,
There is a mean old man that rides my bus that I think you might like. He enjoys harrassing other people and preaching at them. He wears a hat and has glasses and does not seem to smell. He likes to yell at me, as well as other bus riders - even some bus drivers. He can tell you all about patriotism, proper bus ediquette, respect, and all sorts of useful things. Most of us try not to talk to him, and he sometimes talks to the window. Maybe he could talk at you, and you at him. You two could try to have a conversation, maybe. But please leave the rest of us on the buses out of the conversation. Just talk quietly at yourselves.
I was thinking of staplegunning it to his forehead.
Actually, I try not to take that bus anymore. If I catch the earlier bus I miss talking man and... well, I get home... earlier.
Still procrastinating, Abby?
oh hey, if we're allowed to staple things to people's faces, heck i'm IN!
hehehe..."here's my paper, prof" *staples paper to his head*
procrastinate? ME?? ...never!
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