Wondering where the lions are

I'm discovering that I have an exceptionally low tolerance for bad commercials these days. Many's a time I find myself yelling at the television, "Who came up with this crap?"

I'm not quite sure what's at root of this anger. Maybe it's knowing that someone, somewhere, was paid an incredible amount of money for coming up with concept I know I could've come up with drunk, bouncing on a trampoline and trying to recite all the provinces of Canada in alphabetical order. For example, the government of Manitoba recently spent $5 million for the slogan "Manitoba: Spirited Energy", which has got to be the most nonsensical thing I've ever heard in my life. What is "spirited" energy? How exactly does "spirited energy" differ from regular old, run-of-the-mill energy? I mean it's ENERGY - isn't it already spirited by the fact that it's energy? Have you ever heard of lackadaisical energy? No, of course not. I think the slogan should have been more in keeping with the attitude of the people who live here. I propose they re-consider my suggestion Manitoba: we don't really suck that bad.

And all this leads me to the wonder that is modern advertising. There are two commercials, in particular, which, I believe, have given me a slight brain aneurysm. The first is for the new Burger King stacked burgers (Mmmm, more processed meat). The premise of the commercial is that these burgers are manufactured by little people… you know, dwarves. Maybe they’re supposed to be elves, like Santa’s workshop, I’m not really sure and I don’t think it matters. Whatever they are, they’re the butt of the joke. The one fellow gets a burger dropped on him. Are we supposed to think to ourselves, watching this at home, “Oh, look! That little guy was crushed by a hamburger… And that's made me a bit peckish. I could go for one of those.” You see, I’m not really sure how Burger King thinks that ridiculing little people is going to sell their stupid burgers. I’m sure that there’s not a lot of work for little actors – there was that one episode of CSI and there are probably a few Wizard of Oz revivals here and there – but was this job really worth it?

The second one is older one that I thought had run its course, but seems to have reared its ugle head once more. It's for Bailey's Irish Cream. A group of ridiculously attractive people are sitting around a campfire, sipping elegant glasses of Baileys and roasting marshmallows, when all of a sudden one of their marshmallows catches on fire. Panic-stricken, which of course is always a good thing when fire is involved, the poor, thoughtless girl sticks her flaming marshmallow into the drink of the man sitting next to her. Another guy, obviously some sort of rocket scientist who has come along on the camping, sees this and decided to purposely ignite his marshmallow in order to put it in some other girl's drink. As the commercial ends everyone is having a wonderful time with this new discovering, setting their marshmallows ablaze and dunking them in glasses of ALCOHOL. Now, was I the only person in the world who paid attention when the Fire Department came to visit schools? Isn't alcohol an accelerant? So, is advocating of the mixing alcohol and fire really the most responsible thing that the Bailey’s company could be doing?