you can come too....

Here are a few photos from my trip to the Zoo this summer.

Let this be the epitaph for my heart

Taught some love poetry - Sidney, Spenser - apparently I'm the most heartless of cads. *shrugs*

I don't believe in the sun...

Slept for 16 hours yesterday. Why is it that I'm happiest when asleep?

I'm still cranky, but it's more like my typical, whimsical cranky then the enraged ball of anger I was yesterday.

This weekend I was able to see a couple of people I hadn't seen in a while because of thesising. Some people seemed happy to see me... others, not so much. Pfft. Whatever.

Here comes the rain again

I wish i could account for why I'm so irritable today. Actually, irritable is too nice a word for what I am, I'm enraged. The slightest things set me off and I find myself stewing in my vile rage juices. My boss left a phone message asking me to copy out the caption of a photo in one of the St John's hallways and fax it to him... I ranted and cursed for 10 minutes. Thankfully, my one co-worker who's here today is pissy too. We've been looking out for each other.

and life goes on and on and on....

So I decided that I needed some caffine, 'cuz... well, I always need caffine. So I left the warm, safe confines of my little office at Booth College and headed across the street to the Starbucks in the mall.

So which was funnier?

1) The middle-aged Asian man dressed like Ali G?

or

2) The middle-aged man in an unflatterlingly tight shirt and a sweet curly-haired mullet?

Oh, the agony of choice.

The Cactus where your heart should be

Is that even an orange?

You are Mahogany

Stable and decisive, you lack the hyper energy of most orange colors. You're still energetic, but you tend to project a peaceful, relaxed vibe. You love to feel cozy. You often rather wrap up in a blanket than go out for the night.

What Color Orange Are You?

This is the end, beautiful friend, the end

On imdb.com they're reporting the existence of a new "celebrity" sex tape. Now I've put the word celebrity in quotation marks for a very good reason, because the celebrity in question: Screech.

Yes, that Screech. "Saved by the Bell" Screech.



Anyone else questioning the existence of any good in the world? I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

You're one microscopic cog in his catastrophic plan

Thesising continues unabated. Finishing by the end of the month is overly optimistic, but I've decided to continue to bust my hump until its done. So, my social life will continue to be unexistant for the foreseeable future.

Unfortunately I start teaching that University Writing course (2 3hour days a week) next week. That'll wear me right the heck out. Still, short term pain, long term gain; onward and upwards and any other cliche you can think of.

I thought all I had to do was smile

Some lady at the bus stop kept looking at me. I think she was checking me out. It was creepy, because a) I'm hardly "checking out" material and b) she was dressed like my aunt (flowery cardigans and clam diggers). I figure she was insane. It's the only way to explain the long, furtive glances.

pray for rain

In an effort to do a few more things together, Rachel and I signed up for Tai Chi class at the local community centre. Frankly, Tai Chi was her idea, but I agreed without (much) grumbling. It's not that I didn't want to do anything with my wife, it's that she's, well, coordinated. She likes dancing and aerobics; she takes these complicated excerise clases with names like "Step" and "Jazz".

I am rhymically challenged. That might be a bit of an understatement. At dances or parties, when I went to such things, I was much more comfortable leaning against a wall while other people "got down." While I am a relatively intelligent young man, the idea of moving different parts of my body at different times in time to music freaks me right out. And it is in this frame of mind that I headed to Tai Chi class. Words cannot describe how utterly spastic I can be. I once made my primary librarian swear while trying to teach me to waltz for my part in The Sound of Music. My biggest fear as we walked up the street to the centre: being asked not to return the class as my uncoordinated movements are making the other students "feel bad."

Turns out I was just being over sensitive. Not that I was amazing or even good, but there were a couple of people who looked far more spazzy then I did. In fact, there were two people I was surprise even FOUND the community centre.

We only learned two real movenments ( a Tai Chi set has 190 odd moves) and a couple of warm up exercises called... I want to say Gung Ho, but I know that's not right. The first movement was fairly straightforward and I was feeling pretty good. The second movement was... not straightforward. The instructor demonstrated it once and the class just looked at each other, all except the two who I was surprised found the centre. They were looking at their shoes for some reason.

Next week will be the real test; Rachel can't go (she has a meeting) so I'll have to go and look silly all by myself. I suppose as long as I'm not put in a group with the forementioned "winners" I'll be okay.

I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more

I think I had my closest experience with parenthood this afternoon: trying to help my boss move all his files from his old computer to his beautiful new Imac. And I, with my old can't-even-burn-a-bloody-cd Imac, got to do most of the work.

Like a child, my boss has his own bizarre method of filing programs and documents. Like a parent, I had to figure it out on my own. Like a child he found something else to occupy his time while I went to work figuring out which of the 4 versions of Eudora had his current email settings. Like a parent, I came REALLY close to slapping his hands a few times when he was doing something he shouldn't have been. And once, just once, I considered putting him in time out to think about what he'd done.

I'm pretty sure this is what being a parent is all about: telling someone the same thing five or six times, fully aware that they're probably not listening to you; being interrupted every five minutes to solve a problem that seems earth shakingly complicated; the mixed emotions - frustration and amusement - when they look up at you and exclaim, "We did it!".

And this is why I don't want children.

By the way: this is my 300th post...


...and the crowd goes wild.

You used to love me truly

Stupid Justin Timberlake! Here I was all set to bring sexy back and that jerkfaced monkey-boy had to go beat me to it. DAMN my proscrastination!

Now what am I going to do with these leather pants?

I suppose I could still bring something back, though. Monotony? Boredom? Average! That's it! I'm bringing average back!

Ruby Blue

* Mike walks onto stage with a soapbox under his left arm. When he gets to centre stage, he sets the soapbox down and steps on to it. He clears his throat*

What the heck ever happened to personal accountability?

This past week in Toronto, actor Sean Penn lit a cigarette up during a press conference. The press conference was held in a Toronto hotel, the hotel is a public space, Toronto has a smoking ban in public places: ipso facto, Sean Penn broke the law. Now frankly, this isn't about smoking, in my opinion. This is about accountability. Various politicans have come out saying that Penn should be fined (the fine is $350, which I'm sure is less than Penn makes in royalties from Spicolli impressionators), but according to an article on canoe.ca, it is the hotel who faces a fine for "allowing" Penn to smoke.

Huh?

I could see the hotel being fined if the bellhops held him down while the manager stuck a lit cigarette in his mouth, but I'm pretty sure Penn bought the cigarettes he smoked, lit the cigarette he smoked and enhaled the cigarette he smoked. He alone is responsible for breaking the smoking ban. And he alone should be fined.

*Mike steps down from soap and exits stage left*

But I just sat there drinkin'

The reassuring smell of fresh pig poop let me know I was back at Prov.

Apparently there was a waiting list for my class this year. They had to move me to a bigger room. The students came to the new room too. Man, you tell a couple of embarassing stories in class (only half of which are true) and people think you're Mr. Fun-pants. *rolls eyes* There are more male students than I've ever had in a class before. There may be more males than females. I don't know what to do with this.

Today was just an introduction to the course and then to Beowulf. I forgot how much I love teaching Beowulf: monsters, knights, arms getting ripped off. Good stuff, kids.

My officemate, Wendy, asked me if I liked cake. "Absolutely," I said, excitedly. People tend not to ask such question if they don't have cake to offer. "Would you like to try this," she asked, handing me a small piece of cake in Saran wrap. "My friends just brought it back from Vietnam. The Vietnamese only make it once a year, on the autumn full moon. I guess it's a pretty big deal."

"Ooooo," I said, intrigued. Fancy, once a year cake!

"It has shark fin in it," she said as I was searching for the start/end of the plastic wrap cocoon.

"Excuse me? Did you just say 'shark fin'? As in a real fin from a real shark? It's not some cute local name for an spice that looks something like a fin?" I didn't want to appear rude by to be turning my nose up at a delicacy, or to imply that I'm an unadverturous eater. I'm not, though most of desserts have been, until now, decidedly fish free.

"No it's a real shark's fin."

"And they only make it once a year, eh?" That piece of cake-puzzle was falling into place - shark-fin cake can't be a overly popular dish. I figured it was akin to how my mother made liver once a year - more out of a sense of duty and expectancy then our desire to eat it.

I unwrapped the piece of fish cake and sniffed it suspiciously. Another reason for the cake's annual baking presented itself It smelled... unlike cake, but not unlike raw sewage.

I took a bite and tried to discern what I was eating - sesame seeds, some sort of fruit, cake... oh, shark fin. There it was, slapping my taste buds with its out of place taste.

"Wendy," I said. "This..." I struggled to find the right words, struggled not to use an expletive. "...this is the worst cake in the entire world."

She smiled. "I know."

Back in Black

I see Audrey Hepburn is whoring herself for the Gap now. I don't now what's more offense to me: the fact that she's trying to sell "skinny pants" or that the Gap replaced the Funny Face soundtrack with ACDC's "Back in Black." Don't get me wrong, I like ACDC as much as the next guy, but Audrey doesn't seem like a rockin' out metal chick.

And now the Gap has started combing the graveyards of the famous for people to sell their stupid crap. Call me crazy, but I don't think the dead should be able to endorse anything. I mean if they couldn't keep breathing together, who the heck are they to tell us to buy slacks? The only things the dead should be able to hock are coffins and urns. Period.

Until you came along

Bets overheard snippet of a conversation:

Girl 1: You know, that couple from church? The dreadlock couple?
Girl 2: Yah.
Girl 1: Well, the dreadlock girl took her dreads out. Can you believe it?

Me (in my head): Yes, I can believe it. I can believe the snot out of it.

What goes on in that place in the dark?

There's something I can't stand about people who wear "Grumpy" t-shirts. I own a Grumpy sweatshirt. It was a gift from my sister, probably a not-too inside joke. I wear it around the house sometimes, but that's it. I feel my grumpiness doesn't need to advertised.

All right, here's my favourite 100 popular songs of all time. In case the word "favourite" throws someone people, I'm not arguing about the "best" songs, just the ones that mean something to me. I've limited myself to "pop" music - so, no classical or jazz. I like classical and jazz, but rarely know the real names of songs(I still call Beethoven's Ninth Symphony "The Du Du Du Dummmm Song"). I also limited the number of time an artist could appear (to 2) otherwise Tom Waits, Bowie, VU and Leonard Cohen would be on here A LOT more.

Sometimes the reason the song is on the list is easily discernible (ie the song is obviously good); other times the reason is hidden beneath layers of personal experience, which I won't go into. The entries are in no particular order. Comments are equally random.

I make no apologies for the titles below. They could change at a moment's notice.

1. Jersey Girl - Tom Waits Not enough love songs talk about "the whores on Eighth Avenue" or any other avenue, road or blvd.
2. You Can't Always Get What you Want - The Rolling Stones If The Big Chill hadn't screwed it up, this would have played at my funeral.
3. Here Comes the Sun - Beatles This will play at my funeral. Roslyn? Mel? Cheryl? Practice up.
4. Something to Look Forward To - Spoon Hmmmm, Spoon.
5. Veronica - Elvis Costello
6. Quick One While He's Away - The Who From the Concert with the Rolling Stones is my favourite version.'Cello, cello, cello.' Almost a rock opera on its own.
7. In the Darkest Place - Costello and Burt Bacarach Pretty girls look through me too, guys.
8. Fly - Nick Drake
9. Pale Blue Eyes - Velvet Underground
10. Melody Motel - Squeeze Story of a prostitute murdering husband masquerading as a upbeat countryesque tune.
11. A Singer Must Die - Leonard Cohen
12. Once in a Lifetime - Talking Heads Same as it ever was.
13.Winner Takes it All - ABBA Shut up, it's a good song.
14.Diggin' a Hole - Big Sugar I'm feeling twice my age.
15.Tangled up in Blue - Bob Dylan Dylan wrote some of the greatest songs of all time, and this is likely my favourite.
16.Lovers in a Dangerous Time - Barenaked Ladies Cockburn's version is too electronic sounding.
17. You're so Vain - Carly Simon
18. Should I stay or should I go - The Clash The most important musical question.
19.We Used to be Friends - Dandy Warhols Thank Veronica Mars.
20. Starman - David Bowie
21. Ashes to Ashes - David Bowie I frickin' knew Major Tom was a junkie.
22. Let the Bodies Hit the Floor - Drowning Pool
23. Gimme Hope, Jo'anna - Eddy Grant Was protesting Aparteid ever so damned dancable?
24. Same Old Song - Four Tops
25. Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz My favourite walking-down-the-street song!
26. Box of Rain - Grateful Dead
27. Touch of Gray- Grateful Dead Popular Dead doesn't mean Bad Dead; this is a good song.
28. Paradise City - GNR This song is Junior High!
29. Laid - James
30. At Seventeen - Janis Ian
31. Shine a Light - Wolf Parade
32. With ot Without You - U2
33. Paris 1919 - John Cale The Fragments of a Rainy Season live version
34. Hurt - Johnny Cash
35. I Walk the Line - Johnny Cash
36. Tear Drop - Massive Attack aka the House Theme, but longer and with words.
37. Bat out of Hell - Meat Loaf Toss up between this and Paradise by the Dashboard Light, but BOOH wasn't ruined by memories of highschool dances.
38. Enter Sandman - Metallica
39. Up Jumped the Devil - Nick Cave and the Bad Seed
40. These Days - Nico
41. Shimmy Shimmy Ya - Wu Tang Clan
42. Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard - Paul Simon
43. Celica - Simon and Garfunkel
44. Whiter Shade of Pale - Procul Harum
45. Fairytale of New York - The Pogues The only song I need to play at Christmas time.
46. Like a Friend - Pulp I've had way too many relationships like this.
47. Killing Me Softly - Roberta Flack The Fugees version is good, except for the annoying "One Time," so I'll give it up to Roberta.
48. Don't You Forget about me - Simple Minds Likely here because of its association with the Breakfast Club, but so what?
49. How Soon Is Now - The Smiths
50. Begging You - Stone Roses
51. Tango Til They're Sore - Tom Waits
52. Into the Mystic - Van Morrison He rocked my gypsy soul.
53. Poor, Poor Pitiful Me - Warren Zevon
54. The Kids are Alright - The Who
55. Drive - REM
56. Poppa Was a Rodeo - Magnetic Fields
57. Christmas Time is Here - Vince Guaraldi Trio My other Christmas fav.
58. Street Hassle - Lou Reed Reed's brightest post VU moment.
59. Grace Too - Tragically Hip But the live Saturday Night Live version
60. Tale of Brave Ulysses - Cream
61. I wanna be Sedated - The Ramones All Ramones songs are basically the same, but this one makes me smile.
62. Twist and Shout - Beatles
63. Me and Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin
64. Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell Only the later husky voiced version has the appropiate tone though.
65. I Go Blind - 54-40
66. Joy to the World - Three Dog Night
67. Paranoid - Black Sabbath
68. Walk this Way - Run DMC and Aerosmith
69. Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
70. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
71. Search and Destroy - The Stooges
72. Crimson and Clover - Joan Jett
73. Sin City - Flying Burrito Brothers
74. The Sweater Song - Weezer
75. Rocket Man - Elton John Tiny Dancer has been ruined by miss-hearing "Hold me closer, Tony Danza" so I'll say this song.
76. Stuck in the Middle With You - Stealer's Wheels This song makes me wanna cut off an ear.
77. Sleeping Maggie - Ashley MacIssac I have no idea what the woman is singing about... but it's a hard not to TRY to sing along.
78. Bittersweet Symphony -The Verve
79. Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes
80. Jeremy - Pearl Jam
81. Under Pressure - Queen and Bowie
82. King of Pain - The Police
83. High and Dry - Radiohead I've gotten over the torture of a Univerity acquiantance singing this song incessantly in a high falsetto.
84. I Don't Like Mondays - Boomtown Rats Another nail in Monday's coffin.
85. Runaway Train - Soul Assylum
86. Don't Marry Her - Beautiful South F%@k me... it's the lyric. Seriously.
87. It'll All Work Out - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
88. ABC - Jackson Five I like this even more since Clerks 2
89. November Rain - GNR
90. Proud Mary - Ike and Tina Turner/CCR Very different but equally enjoyable tracks
91. Piano Man - Billy Joel
92. Suzanne - Leonard Cohen
93. Let's Get it on - Marvin Gaye I can only imagine how powerful it must be to hear someone say this and mean it.
94. Mustang Sally - Wilson Pickett
95. Alive - Pearl Jam
96. Home for a Rest - Spirit of the West You'll have to excuse me.
97. God Save the Queen - Sex Pistols
98. Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division
99. Cold BLooded Oldtimes - Smog
100. Walt Whitman's Niece - Wilco and Billy Bragg

Shakin' its fist in the air

A little more detail about my trip... not that anyone really cares.

I got to meet up with my friend Jaimie for the first time in 12 years, which was lovely. Took the subway into TO and hung out on her lunch break (and ate the bestest ice cream in the whole wide world). After I left, things got even more interesting as a suspected bomber shut down the street just half an half after I departed (all was alright... false alarm).

Had coffee with some highschool friends. I usually get together with some of these highschool people when I'm home, not always the same ones, but some. I'm usually nervous before hand (I'm a natural worrier), but it always go well. I mean, we're all very different people then we used to be, but, at least for the few hours we hang, we get together and we click. It's nice. I also got to meet my friend Sandy's daughter, who is, predicatably, very cute. She enjoyed appearing really interested in me for a time, then ignoring me for a while, then being interested in me again... which pretty much sums up my relationship with her mother. *shrug*

The Zoo with Del, my nearly 3 year old god-daughter, was fantastic. It's kind of scary how much personality she has already. When she got out of the car to say hello, she looked at me and said, "I'll say more after I go pee." I was a little taken aback by how articulate she is. The post-pee conversation was also equally interesting. After the zoo (or the pavillion and a half we went to) we headed to the Rain Forest Cafe in the Yorkdale Shopping Centre. It has these animatronic animals and looks like a rain forest. Every 20 or 30 minutes, the lights go down and rain sound effects produce the impression of a rain storm. Thankfully no actual water falls on you. Later, when we were saying out goodbyes, Del gave me a big hug and said, "I love you, Mike." It was sweet.

While killing time before I met my friend Lisa, I hung out in Oshawa Centre for about an hour, just walking back and forth. When I was younger (like 13 or 14), I used to love that mall 'cause it seemed so big. Now, whenever I return to Osahwa I find myself there, half expecting, half dreading running into people I used to know, some major player from my life - a teacher, a girl I had a crush on, a long lost friend. Today I only saw a few of my life's minor players, walk on roles really: Craig's old girlfriend (before the big closet exiting), an old co-worker, and the Bad Toupee man, who's 10 years older but his hair STILL looks the same! This trip to the mall was even more disconcerting then usual though, because of the cheerleaders.

The Oshawa Centre, as a summer feature to promote a friendly mall experience, has hired pretty young girls to dress up as cheerleaders. Let that sink in for a second: it's 2006 and a mall has cheerleaders as a promotional tool! These girls are situated throughout the mall and "will happily answer any questions you might have." That's what the sign said, though I assume that their answers are limited to things like "Where's the Gap?" and "Do you know where I can get a coffee?" and not inquires into nuclear fission. And I'd be willing to place money on the fact that this whole cheerleader idea was a guy's.

The day after I arrived home, I headed down to the UM Press, despite the fact that classes start tomorrow and I have little idea of what I'm supposed to do. I NEEDED to sign some stuff that should have been signed in June *shrugs* It's also particularly annoying (though not at all unexpected) that NOTHING has been done to clear out the store room (which will once again be my office) and that the my lovely summer office, which I "had to" get my stuff out of before I went to Ontario, is sitting there empty.

Home again, Home again, jiggity jig

My flight home from Toronto wasn't as nearly early as early as my flight to Toronto. Still, I did have to be up quite early. The second plane wasn't "full" full, but there were way more people on it. I suppose the more reasonable the time of departure, the more people will take it.

All in all, a good trip home. Maybe a bit short, but good nevertheless. Sorry to people I didn't get to see (Shawn, Dana etc). Thank you to those I did.

Now the school year starts. This year I'm going to try to use fewer embarassing personal stories to illustrate points or ideas.