Keep your pretty head low

After supper (a tasty bit of Greek takeout), I sat down at the computer to check my email, and who should I have a message from? Oprah. That's right, Oprah emailed me. Okay, the message wasn't from Oprah herself - I'm sure she's far too busy picking books for her club to read or offering to pay for Jennifer Aniston's wedding - but it is from Oprah's people. The email invites me to tune into an upcoming show that will feature the legendary women of the Oscars. Apparently Emma Thompson and Meryl Streep will be appearing as well as "other big names for the Academy Awards."

Boy, does Orpah know me or what? There's nothing I'd like better than to sit around and watch as a group of Academy Award winning actresses sit around and pretend to be real people while Orpah shouts "You go, girlfriend" at the top of her really expensive lungs.

The biggest mystery as far as I'm concerned is why did I get this message at all? How did she get my email address? I don't watch Orpah; I've never been to her site; I haven't even bought any of her "Picks" at the local bookstore .Is Oprah now employing the same market savvy plans as the makers of Herbal Viagra and LostErectus? Did she think to herself, "I know what'll get more people to watch me: SPAM!"

Honestly, I'm more familiar with Oprah from SNL skits and the detailed reenactments my sister used to do for me over the phone. I've never understood my sister's bizarre fascination with Ms Winfrey. I figured if I ever did hear from Oprah the message would be more along the lines of "could you tell your sister to stop being so obsessed with me? I really don't want to be her friend." If the countless magazines and books that littered my sister's bedroom didn't make me tune in, if the two foot wall of tapes ambiguously labeled "Good Oprah" and "Really Good Orpah" around the ol’ family rec-room didn't pique my curiosity, then what's an email going to do? I mean, it didn’t even have any graphics. Come on, Oprah, have a little pride in your spam.