Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I should go to bed, but the voice in my head says, what the hell?

There was a preview for Superman Returns that ran before X-men: Last Stand. I'm having a hard time accepting a Superman who looks like Max Fisher.


Maybe I'll go see it if he uses his super-powers to try to win Miss Cross. Superman to Luthor "I saved Latin. What did you ever do?"

Of course, the Fisher-esque Superman aside, there's the whole, creepy thing with Marlon Brando coming back from the dead to play Jor-El again. My feelings are if you're going to come back to life for a role it should be one you haven't played before. Call me a traditionist, but if you're dead, you should be allowed to re-play a part. Even if you are Marlon Brando.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Keep your pretty head low

After supper (a tasty bit of Greek takeout), I sat down at the computer to check my email, and who should I have a message from? Oprah. That's right, Oprah emailed me. Okay, the message wasn't from Oprah herself - I'm sure she's far too busy picking books for her club to read or offering to pay for Jennifer Aniston's wedding - but it is from Oprah's people. The email invites me to tune into an upcoming show that will feature the legendary women of the Oscars. Apparently Emma Thompson and Meryl Streep will be appearing as well as "other big names for the Academy Awards."

Boy, does Orpah know me or what? There's nothing I'd like better than to sit around and watch as a group of Academy Award winning actresses sit around and pretend to be real people while Orpah shouts "You go, girlfriend" at the top of her really expensive lungs.

The biggest mystery as far as I'm concerned is why did I get this message at all? How did she get my email address? I don't watch Orpah; I've never been to her site; I haven't even bought any of her "Picks" at the local bookstore .Is Oprah now employing the same market savvy plans as the makers of Herbal Viagra and LostErectus? Did she think to herself, "I know what'll get more people to watch me: SPAM!"

Honestly, I'm more familiar with Oprah from SNL skits and the detailed reenactments my sister used to do for me over the phone. I've never understood my sister's bizarre fascination with Ms Winfrey. I figured if I ever did hear from Oprah the message would be more along the lines of "could you tell your sister to stop being so obsessed with me? I really don't want to be her friend." If the countless magazines and books that littered my sister's bedroom didn't make me tune in, if the two foot wall of tapes ambiguously labeled "Good Oprah" and "Really Good Orpah" around the ol’ family rec-room didn't pique my curiosity, then what's an email going to do? I mean, it didn’t even have any graphics. Come on, Oprah, have a little pride in your spam.

Let her talk about the things you can't explain

I realize I've been a little lax about updating this. Everyday I sit at my computer and think to myself, "I should write something in my blog." And then I can't think of a single thing to write.

There's nothing interesting going on in my life right now: no adventures, no profound insights into the world. That's not to say I'm not busy. I am. In fact, lately I'm obscenely busy with PhD stuff, but no one wants to hear about that.

So I'll respond to Professor Van Helsing's quiz which I found over at IMDB


1) What film made you angry, either while watching it or in thinking about it afterward?

The question seems to assume that only one film has made me angry. That's just not true. Films that have made me angry include: Star Wars Episode 2, The Portrait of a Lady, some BenoƮt Jacquot film that I saw at the TIFF. There was something recently that left me enraged... but it can't think of the title. Apparently I was so mad I've repressed it.

2) Favorite sidekick

Patricia Franchini (played by Jean Seabring)in Godard's Breathless.

3) One of your favorite movie lines

"Do I laugh now, or wait 'til it gets funny?"

4) William Holden or Burt Lancaster?

William Holden.

5) Describe a perfect moment in a movie

Well, the hill of beans speech at the end of Casablanca is pretty damn close to perfect.

6) Favorite John Ford movie

Um, I'm probably supposed to like Stagecoach more, but I prefer My Darling Clementine.

7) The inverse of a question from the last quiz: What film artist (director, actor, screenwriter, whatever) has the least–deserved good reputation, artistically speaking. And who would you replace him/her with on that pedestal?

I think Laurence Olivier is an extremely overrated actor.

8) Barbara Stanwyck or Ida Lupino?

Barbara Stanwyck.

9) Showgirls-- yes or no?

A hesitant yes.

10) Most exotic or otherwise unusual place in which you ever saw a movie

Sadly, the drive in. It wasn't very 'exotic, but it did smell like urine... and there was a lighting storm

11) Favorite Robert Altman movie

MASH or Gosford Park

12) Best argument for allowing rock stars to participate in the making of movies

Phil Collins in A Hard Day's Night. Actually, A Hard Day's Night makes a pretty good argument too.

13) Describe a transcendent moment in a film (a moment when you realized a film that just seemed routine or merely interesting before had become become something much more)

First viewing of Casablanca or Duck Soup.

14) Gina Gershon or Jennifer Tilly?

Well, they both seem a little crazy, but if I had to pick one I guess it'd be Jennifer Tilly.

15) Favorite Frank Capra movie

It's a Wonderful Life is the best of an outstanding body of work.

16) The scene you most wish you could have witnessed being filmed

Anything from Casablanca

17) Robert Ryan or Richard Widmark?

Widmark.

18) Name a movie that inspired you to walk out before it was finished

"Inspired"? I've only walked out of one movie that I can recall... that Benoit Jacquot film

19) Favorite political movie

All the President's Men
or Putney Swope.

20) Your favorite movie poster/one-sheet, or the one you’d most like to own

I don't know... I guess the one for Kubrick's Lolita.

21) Jeff Bridges or Jeff Goldblum?

Bridges.

22) Favorite Ken Russell movie

Women in Love

23) Accepting the conventional wisdom that 1970-1975 marked a golden age of American filmmaking in which artistic ambition and popular acceptance were not mutually exclusive, what for you was this golden age’s high point? (Could be a movie, a trend, the emergence of a star, whatever)

Blah, I dunno... the evolution of the director.

24) Grace Kelly or Ava Gardner?

Grace Kelly.

25) With total disregard for whether it would ever actually be considered, even in this age of movie recycling, what film exists that you feel might actually warrant a sequel, or would produce a sequel you’d actually be interested in seeing?

Well, it's not Rocky 6, that's for sure. I think a sequel to The Breakfast Club would be tempting.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

What if I ride? What if you walk?

A sincere thank-you to those who sent e-cards and birthday wishes. They were really appreciated. I mean it. But birthdays? *grunt* More freakin' trouble than they're worth.

What does it mean when the only actual, physical card you've received in the mail is one from a lady who babysat you when you were 2-3 years old? Should my blood family have figured out the mail system by now?

I did get the new Leonard Cohen book of poetry from my wife (who knows me too well) and for a brief moment I was transported to a time, several years ago, in Waterloo. I'd head down to Kitchener in order to scour the second hand book stores for Cohen's books. I have an impressive collection: Let Us Compare Mythologies, Spicebox of Earth, Death of a Lady's Man, and others whose spines are too far away to read. Eventually I had most everything. Cohen retreated to Mount Baldie. The trips to downtown Kitchener were never quite the same.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

But if I could you know I would Just hold your hand and you'd understand

So, it's the Victoria Day long week. And we can all let our our primal "whoots" because a long time ago, a dumpy, sour-pussed old lady ruled England and 1/4 of the known world. And now, a century or so later, people in the New World can skip work to do "royal" things, like camp, Bar-b-que and drink beer. I mean, look at this face.
Doesn't it scream "Take a day off and party"?

Personally, I think Victoria Day should be a bigger deal than it currently is. Sure people get a day off work and that's all well and good, but aside from the increasingly infrequent firework displays, what sets Victoria Day apart? Nothing. If we're really being honest with ourselves, it's a holiday in desperate need of a make over - much like ol' Queen Vic herself. I think we need to add to the mythology of day in order to give it a little extra umph. Families should decorate their houses with lace and crinoline and hang larger portraits of Queen Vic. Not only are these portraits festive, it would give families something to put presents underneath. We could all gather 'round the fireplace for a glass of hot punch and a rousing round of Victoria carols. Of course decorations and songs are all well and good, but in order to lift a holiday from the mire of the mundane, work-a-day holidays (like Arbor Day and Remembrance Day), we need to target children.

Children should be filled with anxiety for a good month before May twenty-whatever, wondering if Queen Victoria be visiting while they were sleeping to leave them goodies (boiled sweets or humbugs) or coal. Actually, Santa still has the coal market cornered, right? What's worse than a lump of coal? Traditional English cuisine! Parents can threaten their chidlren all year long, "If you don't behave, Queen Victoria's gonna leave you nothing but Bubbles and Squeek."

Friday, May 19, 2006

That's right, I'm barely alive

I knew it! "Who could ever love a Beast?"

You scored as The Beast. Your alter ego is The Beast! But that is only a name... you are kind hearted and sweet, people just misunderstand you. Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com

Thursday, May 18, 2006

If every word I said could make you laugh...

A friend told me about a video with a Great White Shark jumping 10 feet out of the water while trying to get a seal... I watched the video.

Scary shark

I'm never going near the ocean again.

Happy birthday, Jaimie. Thanks for making me wet myself in terror.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

And there's no one there to comfort you

I like television. A lot. And I watch a lot of television. Part of the fun of watching television are the season finales, where all the storylines of the season (however much or little there was in the way of an arch) come to ahead. They're either resolved or brought to a moment of crisis to entice you back next season: Ross will say Rachel's name at his wedding to Emily; Buffy will die to save her sister's life; high school students will graduate (usually with some sort of loud, raucous party).


So far I've seen a couple of decent finales, but the second season ending of Veronica Mars might have been the greatest finale I've ever seen. Somehow, in a mere 42 minutes, it managed to weave innocent nostalgia, heart-wrenching suspense and a sense of closure with the hint of mystery for next season. I've said it before to whoever will listen, and I'll say it again: Veronica Mars is the best show on network television.


On the other side of the fence, the Smallville season finale had me a little perplexed: where do we go from here? It wasn't bad per se, but I've really turned my opinion around on this show this season. I used to love it, watched all the DVDs, wandered around humming that damned catchy theme song to myself; now, I'm wondering how close the series is from collapsing under the weight of its own limitations. Clark Kent's coming of age has a limited shelf-live. He's already graduated high school, he's found out about his alien birth and the secrets of Krypton. So how much longer can they delay putting him in the blue leotard? This season cliff-hanger saw Lex being replaced with Zod and Clark trapped in the Phantom Zone. We know, cognitively, that most characters are "safe" from real harm because of their importance in the Superman universe. We know Clark has to get out; we know Lois isn't going to die in the plane crash. Okay... he needs to become Superman now. But of course once that happens the appeal of the show is over. And what happened to Lana? She can't take Clark's lies to protect her, but is fine with Lex's unique ethics? She's become a really annoying character this season; not even her obvious hotness redeems her anymore.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

But she never escaped my mind, and I just grew

Spring in Winnipeg means one certain thing: construction. Every year, after the snow melts away, fleets of trucks and workers in dirty jeans and orange vests descend on the city to "fix" the potholes.

Now I don't know who plans this massive infrastructural undertaking, but I really have to question their wisdom when it comes to organizing the work. For those of you who don't know, Winnipeg is divided by a major river. There are several bridges scattered along the Assiniboine that one can use to get from one side to the other. If you're driving from the south of the city to the centre or, heaven forbid, the north, you have a few major roadways that lead to these bridges. And every year when the flowers are starting to bloom and the trees beginning to bud, city workers rip up all those roadways... at the same time. Rather than use the majority of the workforce to fix two or three major roadways quickly, the city decides to use small teams to start work on 20 different projects. So no matter which way you choose to drive, you're stuck while a huge cement mixer attempts an eighty-seven point turn. And, as an aside, a big thank you to the genius who invented the beeping device that lets people know when big trucks are backing up. Genius!

When I was in kindergarten I learned a number of valuable lessons that I have carried with me during my 30 plus years on this stupid, God-forsaken orb we call "Earth"; perhaps the simplest and most profound was this: don't move on something else until you finished with what you're doing. Ah, childish logic. You want to play with blocks? Well, you have to put the Magic Doodle away first. You want to tear up Waverley? You have to put Pembina Highway back in order first.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

But hidden in his coat is his Red Right Hand

I haven't given much more thought to being evil, other than a passing thought during a conversation with a friend about a wedding. I assured her that quietly grumbling about particpating in something you don't want to do isn't evil... true evil would be making something up to get out of something that you know you should do. Or doing it, grumbling to everyone who will listen and ridiculing all parties involved while you're doing it.

I continue to be perplexed by the oddities of others. Nothing I really feel like sharing at the moment. Just thought I'd shoot that out there.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Hey you, out there i the cold

I had the weirdest thought today: what if I could just be evil? Not "mean" or "bad" or "grumpy" but EVIL - cartoonishly wicked. You know, steal candy from children, kick old ladies down stairs, take over the world. I wonder, what it would take? Do really evil people choose to be evil? Did Lex Luthor wake up one morning and say, "I think I should start being evil today. Right after breakfast"?

I think evil Mike could solve a lot of my problems. I wouldn't have to do nice things for people - lend them books, offer to proofread essays. Evil-Mike wouldn't offer to proofread people's papers. Or he would offer and then he would add a whole bunch of mistakes and evidence of plagiarism. Life could be so much simpler, if I was evil. People annoy me - have them killed in their sleep. People treat me badly - put their legs in cement and drop them off a pier.

I suppose being evil would mean losing a lot of my friends. But, on the other hand, I believe I would pick up some henchmen. Most evil guys have henchmen, right? I suppose that's like having friends. It's all balance, isn't it?

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Nothing ever grows in this rotten old hole

10 interesting and completely useless Mike facts (in no particular order):
1) Mike has been known to drink coffee in the shower.
2) Mike knows the words to far too many bad songs.
3) Despite some claims to the contrary, Mike shot neither the sheriff nor the deputy. He contends it was someone else
4) Growing up, Mike's across the street neighbour (and coworker of his father) is/was Bob Marley's brother-in-law..
5) Mike has an inexplicable love of teen comedies.
6) Mike read novels in kindergarten.
7) Mike has a deathly fear of people singing to him in restaurants.
8) Mike, once, many years ago, dunked a basketball in a regulation basket.
9) Mike was in the audience for a show for YTV that was produced by Cory Hart's brother.
10) Mike saw Pulp Fiction a staggering 13 times in the theatre; he never paid full price.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven I’ll come crawling on back to you

A strange day, with even stranger revelations. Some people are such disappointments.

My sister had a rollerblading accident last night. Sounds pretty serious:

Scraped her leg badly. Went home treated it and could feel something under the skin. Went to the walk-in clinic near her and they sent her to emerg.
They removed 17 small stones and they've told her the tissue damage is so severe she will have to have skin grafting done. They will do it next week.

Gross. Skin grafting? Wonder where they'll take the skin from? If it's from her butt, will she have a bum leg?* Still, this confirms my all fears about going outdoors and doing, you know, "exercise" - running, biking, rollerblading, whatever. Not worth it if you ask me. Walking: now that's more like it. Less likely to fall down. If God had wanted us rolling all over the place, he would have given us wheels... you know, actually attached to our feet, as opposed to the kind we purchase and put on voluntarily.

*(NB, that was my wife's joke, and it gave her such pleasure that I felt inclined to include it).

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Sam-I-Am and Star-you-are

I can't believe it's May already. Ugh. May means lots of things, some good, some bad. May means summer's almost here; May also means I turn a year older.

So, after watching them film for many hours Saturday afternoon, I ended up going back out that evening when the cast and crew returned from dinner. I never did get to meet Anna Paquin, or Breckin Meyer, but I enjoyed watching them work. I stayed out there until nearly eleven o'clock watching them rehearse and shoot one scene. There was even a punch that had to be choreographed. The punch was a much debated topic on the set for quite awhile. How should Anna punch Breckin? Should it be a tight shot, a wild swing, a slap? The scene, punch and all, was wonderfully tense and Anna Paquin ad-libbed a line that nearly made me wet my pants... and I'm sure that would have impressed her.

A bunch of neighbours gathered to watch, which was cool. I think I got to meet more of the people on my street in that one day then I have in 7 years of living here. Not everyone stayed for the whole shoot, but a number of us did. By the time they wrapped, the crew had already cleaned up everything not being used for that particular shot. As we all shuffled back to our respective houses and as the cast shuffled back to their trailers or hotel rooms or whatever, only the camera, monitor and the boom mic were left to clean up. By Sunday morning you'd never have known anything interesting had been going on.

And life just keeps slipping away....